Kidding Ourselves
by polysgirl
Summary: Steph's internal thoughts on her life. Songfic of a sort based on Kidding Ourselves, by Stabilo. Not really Babe or Cupcake. oneshot.


Yet another songfic of a sort … this one to Kidding Ourselves, by Stabilo. I heard it on the radio, and thought it fit.

Not Babe, not Cupcake…just… Steph's internal thoughts, mostly.

Standard disclaimers apply: I don't own any of it – it all belongs to the wonderful JE, and I am borrowing from her very generous self. I promise to return the characters unharmed…

And, as always, my eternal gratitude to Stayce, who is, quite probably, the best editor a girl can have J

**Kidding Ourselves**

"Mmm... Love you, Cupcake." Joe said, as he rolled over, away from her. She felt his breathing change instantly as he fell into his usual deep sleep. She curled slightly on her side, and stared at his back. Wrapping her arms around her stomach, she hugged herself as a wave of ice washed over her, chasing away the wonderful afterglow she'd been feeling all of two minutes prior. She burrowed deeper into his bed, trying to find that little niche she had, over time, created in her own bed. No matter how much time she spent here, it still didn't feel like home. It still felt like Joe's - a place to visit, but not her home. Sometimes she ached to tear down the curtains, let in a natural light, one that welcomed her in one hundred percent. Instead, she waited, alone. She didn't have the nerve to take charge of this aspect of her life, and so she waited for the window to crack on its own … for her destiny to take charge of itself. Otherwise, what if she chose wrong? Again.

She stared through the darkness at the outline of Joe's back, the rise and fall of his steady, even breathing. She wanted to curl up beside him, snuggle close to him, and sleep; let her mind stop, die, even. But he really wasn't much of a cuddler, at night. He'd wake up, ready to go for another round. That wasn't horrible, she admitted to herself. She did love the sex, it was great, hot...fantastic, even. He just...didn't cuddle when he slept. And the foot of space between them widened in the dark until it felt like a giant chasm, swallowing her.

She squeezed her arms tighter around herself, and sighed. It was only one thing, she reminded herself. She could live with one thing. Afterall, you can't expect perfection. He loved her; he said so, more than once. Hell, Stephanie, she chided herself, half the time he wants to marry you. She knew she wasn't ready to take that step - one failed marriage was enough for her. And she wasn't sure he really wanted to get married. It seemed more like... a whim he got on occasion, when he started to want the burg life. That Burg life she'd tried so hard to avoid, to break away from. Not completely - she could never leave her family, cut all of her ties. But she wanted to live on the outskirts of Burg, to be unique, to do her thing, but still come home and visit. It would never leave her, but did she have to give in and become Burg all the time?

It didn't matter, she supposed. As long as Joe would make a half attempt at accepting her, she'd be here. It really all depended on how he reacted, and responded to her at any given time. When he pushed her away, she went. When they fought, they broke it off. It wasn't a healthy pattern of behavior, but as long as he tolerated her, and allowed her back, she'd stick around, take him back too. And when things went to hell and they went Italian and Hungarian on each other, well, as long as they could take each other back, she'd stay with him. It was the only thing she really knew how to do.

"Fuck. We're kidding ourselves." She whispered in the dark, squeezing her eyes shut tightly against the tears that suddenly welled in them. What does he want from me, she wondered, her eyes still squeezed tightly closed. He can't possibly want this on again-off again mess. Is he waiting for me to come around? Waiting for me to break, bend into that good little Burg wife everyone expects me to be? Well, she reminded herself again, she'd stick around for a while...As long as she has a phone, and a taxi - or Ranger to help her out - she can leave anytime she needed to. And it's not like I don't have my own home, she reminded herself.

She kind of missed her apartment; she had to admit to herself. Joe's place was too quiet, without the squeaking of Rex's wheel, and the constant noise that filtered in from the streets. And, of course, the continuous stream of midnight visitors. Mostly, Ranger. He was a bullet train, a jet plane, and even with him, she didn't think she could leave Joe...because then she'd be alone. Or at least, risk being alone. Realistically, Ranger would be in her bed in a heartbeat...but would she have his heart, or just his body? She knew he loved her, in his own way. But Ranger was a lone wolf, a solitary creature who worked with partners but still held himself apart. He was alone, and he liked it that way. She wouldn't fit with his lifestyle.

And the worst part was, it wasn't that she couldn't fit in with his lifestyle - afterall, she did it most days. It was that he wouldn't let her in, not completely. At least, she couldn't see him letting her in. He was the quintessential fast car. Sleek, sexy, in a class of his own, and untouchable. Realistically she knew that she reached Ranger more than anyone else in the world, but she also didn't think that they ever really had a chance. And she knew, without a doubt, that taking a chance on Ranger would be the biggest risk she could ever take in her life. Not because he was that unstable, but because her heart... well... her heart was accustomed to on-again off-again with Joe. And her heart would be broken, but not shattered, when things went to hell.

If things went to hell with Ranger, she didn't think she could recover. They were close friends, and he would always, ALWAYS be there for her, no matter what. She knew that without a doubt. No matter what, no matter what the stakes, the price, or the circumstance, he would stand by her until the dust settled, and make damned sure they were both standing at the end of it. But emotionally... if she let herself believe there could be more, if she let go of Joe and followed the true yearnings of her heart, she feared it would be the end of her. She couldn't handle being on the outside looking in through a frosted glass window, seeing only distorted shapes and shadows.

Truth is, she admitted to herself, allowing a brief moment of clarity to filter through the denial; she loved Ranger too much to risk losing him, and if she pushed, she was scared that he would back away. She wouldn't be enough for him - he liked his cars fast, and, she was sure, his women hot. And she would wear off. Then what? A relationship with Ranger would be an unknown entity. She didn't know what to expect, what would be expected...well...except that if she came home without her underwear, Ranger would hunt the man who had it. No sharing is the only rule she knew. That was the problem. And she feared what would happen if ever she broke one of the many unknown rules.

At least with Joe, she knew what to expect. And if they broke one, they fought, and then eventually Joe's sex drive would bring them back together, and they'd make up and all would be fine again. Until next time. She wondered, though, why he kidded himself into thinking this relationship was good, and right. How many times would he play this game before he got fed up? Would he get fed up? Probably not - she was there, accessible, willing. She'd walk Bob in the mornings. Joe was happy. Or content, at least.

And, she supposed, that really she was content also. At least somewhat. Content enough to stay, as long as she still had her apartment, her escape route. But even with a fast car, Ranger, a cell phone and all means to get out - she knew she wouldn't leave. Because then, she'd be alone.

It worked in her favor that she had Joe, and that they could be as bold as they wanted to. Like earlier that night. Hot, inventive sex had been the name of the game, and they'd laughed as much as moaned, groaned, and tormented each other in the greatest ways. It had been good. And the relationship was a known entity, and very comfortable. Comfortable enough that it could be forever?

She squinted again, but a tear slipped out before she could stop it. It probably would be forever. It would get her mother off of her back. And really, Joe's was the closest thing to a nice home she'd ever have. Left on her own, she was lucky if she could find a decent cardboard box in an alleyway to call home. Her apartment was barely that. There was Ranger's, she supposed, but then, there really wasn't. She doubted she would ever see the Batcave, and even if she did, she would be too awed to ever be able to call it home. And at least her and Joe liked the same foods.

And yet...she co-existed so well with Ranger. He didn't judge her, label her, or demand she change. His demands centered on her safety, but they were...usually on the right side of reasonable. But he didn't want her ... not that way... He'd practically labeled a serious relationship as stupid. She supposed that should have solidified her reasoning for staying with Morelli. Because she would stay. It WAS the right thing to do. They were fated.

"We're kidding ourselves." She whispered quietly to herself again, swiping hard at another tear. As she moved, Joe rolled over and reached for her.

"You ok, Cupcake?" He asked, his voice husky with sleep.

She blew out a sigh before answering. "Yeah. Just can't sleep."

"I might be able to fix that for you." He suggested, moving over her and fitting himself in the cradle of her legs. Round two, she thought, but that was ok. She was game to run, far, far away from her thoughts, and there was no better way than balls to the wall sex...Joe looked into her eyes for a minute, and she soaked up his gaze. She didn't want him to take his eyes off of her, because as long as he didn't look away, she could believe that this was totally, perfectly, one hundred percent right. And at least...at least this way, she wouldn't be alone.


End file.
